I asked my 17-year-old if he was caught up on his college application stuff. He said, “Yeah, I’m good.” I wanted to believe him so badly.
He wasn’t caught up. My first thought was that he lied to me.
Then the heat wore off, and I got curious. “I’m good” wasn’t so much a lie as an exit. And if you’re the one with the title, the budget, and the say over who gets the next good project, you’re his mom in this story. Your team is telling you “I’m good” right now.
POWER CHANGES THE COST OF HONESTY
The more authority you have, the more math people do before they tell you something hard. Not because you’re a tyrant. Because you control access, opportunity, reputation, and sometimes a paycheck. “You can tell me anything” is a lovely sentence, and words don’t erase hierarchy.
So when nobody on your team disagrees with you, don’t assume alignment. Quiet has a lot of costumes. It can mean yes. It can also mean they’re managing your emotions, waiting you out, or deciding the argument isn’t worth it. And the fastest way to teach people not to challenge you is to dismiss someone who did. The public version is the most expensive, because everyone watching just got the lesson too.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Why the quiet in your meetings isn’t agreement, and what it’s costing you
- The one question that tells you whether you’re arguing about the how or the what
- How to run discuss, decide, commit so your team knows when to push back and when the call has been made
THE FRAMEWORK: DISCUSS, DECIDE, COMMIT
Productive dissent needs a playing field. A hockey game has plenty of contact because everybody knows the rules. A parking lot fight can look similar from a distance. It is not the same thing.
First, ask the alignment question: Are we arguing about how to get to the same thing, or are we trying to get to different things?
Discuss: Say out loud that the decision isn’t made yet, then ask for objections (questions 1 to 5 below). Tell people the discussion is coming so they can prepare.
Decide: Dissent is input, not democracy. “I heard you. I understand where we disagree, but we’re still going this way.” If you can’t share everything, say that: “We heard your concerns and we’re addressing them.”
Commit: Once it’s decided, stop re-litigating unless real new information shows up. Your people know the challenge window is real, and you know it won’t stay open forever.
THE POWER AND TRUTH AUDIT
Seven questions. Use 1 to 5 before a big decision. Use 6 and 7 with your senior leaders on repeat, including skip-levels.
- What are we missing?
- What worries you?
- What are our assumptions?
- Who sees this differently?
- What happens if we’re wrong?
- What are you hearing that I’m not?
- What are people reluctant to tell us?
TRY THIS THIS WEEK
Ask yourself who has disagreed with you in the last 30 days. If nobody comes to mind, don’t celebrate; investigate. Then think about the last time someone challenged you in front of other people. Not what they did. What did you do?
WORK WITH ME
If you’re developing senior leaders who keep getting surprised by things everybody else saw coming, this is the work I do with executives and leadership teams on power, judgment, communication, and leading through complexity. Start at dawnandrews.com
Chapters
00:00 “I’m good” is an exit
02:30 Power changes the cost of honesty
05:00 Why correcting someone in public costs the most
07:00 Same thing or different things? The question that sorts your arguments
09:00 Hockey, not a parking lot: discuss, decide, commit
The fastest way to teach people not to challenge you is to dismiss someone who did.
RELATED EPISODES
- 210 | The Jackass in the Room Is You
- 208 | Your Confidence Isn’t the Problem. Build Power Literacy So You Know When to Push, Wait, or Walk Away
- 207 | Why Trying to Be a “Good Leader” Won’t Help You Lead Better and the 4 Questions That Will
- 203 | The Bottleneck Isn’t Your Team. It’s What You Haven’t Been Willing to Say Out Loud
